I went to a pre-Thanksgiving party at my friend’s place last night. I really enjoyed myself (and the food) for the most part, and the company was mostly great. But one person just kept getting on my nerves. Honestly, she might have been the most stuck up, arrogant, unfiltered, and just plain annoying people I have ever had the misfortune of being in a room with for a prolonged period of time. I spent most of the time when she was over just on my phone checking Facebook, because if I actually paid attention to what she was saying I may have actually lost my cool and done something stupid. I seriously was close to throwing a drink in her face after some of the insults she hurled at me and at my friends. It was upsetting, to say the least. I think I’ve gotten so used to grace that I expect it from everyone I meet, even if he or she is not a Christian. I would have thought that even if people didn’t believe the same things I believed that we would still be able to carry out a normal conversation. Nope. Let’s just say I was relieved and glad when she finally left. 

As I analyze myself through this situation though, I find myself at a crossroads. I’m glad I didn’t do anything stupid, and I’m thankful my friends didn’t do anything either (I could tell a lot of them were close). For me, it really took everything in me to hold myself back from both saying something completely stupid - and I hate to admit a couple of obscenities came out because of her - and doing something completely stupid. And then I look at Jesus and how effortless it was for Him to love people who spat in His face. Instead of holding back, He opened His arms to them and loved them, because He knew that’s what they really needed. All the while, I was too angry to even think about her mental or spiritual state last night. I was completely focused on not losing my cool. But looking back, I do feel a little sad. I wish I had been a better example of Christ. Because behind all of the coarse talk and insults, there was a heart there that needed Jesus. 

I’m seriously in awe that Jesus loves her. It’s so amazing to think that Jesus also died to redeem her life. And it served as a reminder that I need Christ in my life so much. Especially recently, I’ve seen arrogance and anger start to take over my life. Just because I’ve been saved by redeeming grace does not mean I’m already perfect. I can’t lose sight of the goal of Christ, while remembering that it’s not by my own power that I can reach that height. I have to rely on Jesus and commit my life to Him as my Lord. When in the context of His glory, I am nothing but a speck.

There’s always the metaphor of our faith being like a seed or like a tree in the Bible (1 Corinthians 3:6-7). My favorite, though, is Psalm 1:

The Way of the Righteous and the Wicked

1 Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
² but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

³ He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
⁴ The wicked are not so,
    but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

⁵ Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
    nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
⁶ for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
    but the way of the wicked will perish.

It’ll take time. It’ll take effort. But I have faith that God can change my wretched and sinful soul. I have faith that Christ can alleviate my arrogance and my anger. And if I plant myself by the streams of Jesus’ blood which washed me clean, I know that one day in God’s timing I will yield my fruit. 

Prayer is amazing. And I take it for granted so much. 

I always thought prayer was weird. If God already knew the depths of my heart and soul, why would He ever ask me to reiterate it back up to Him? I mean, He already knew it all better than I did. And I always thought of prayer as something of a waste of time. Sitting down without talking with your eyes closed and thinking a little louder than usual? I’d much prefer sleeping, and they’re practically the same anyway. Soon, my prayers before I slept shortened to, “God, thank You for everything. I pray for everything on my heart, which You already know. Amen.” 

The only times I would ever feel any kind of emotion towards prayer would be times when I’m frustrated at it. Whenever I felt any sort of desire for anything and felt the inclination to specifically pray it up to God, more often than not I wouldn’t seem to get an answer. And I’d get frustrated.

Why isn’t God answering me? 

I thought I grew out of this mindset through the years. I witnessed incredible things happen through prayer and the effect prayer has on peoples’ lives. Through these things, I recognized its importance in maintaining my relationship with God. And soon, my prayers got more heartfelt and complicated. They got more extravagant and emotional. At this point, even though I truly believe my heart was in a better place, I was no longer searching for ways to end prayer but for diction to elaborate prayer. 

I’ve been through high points and low points of my spiritual life. I’ve wrestled with doubts on whether or not God really is a good God and whether or not I truly believed it in my heart. I’ve grown in my understanding of Scripture and Grace. All the while, prayer remained this thing that I did. I did it a lot - I might have even done it well a couple times. I prayed with other people, and I prayed by myself. But in the midst of all my troubled times, the same question kept coming up as I prayed. 

Why isn’t God answering me? 

Tonight, as I asked myself that question once again, God replied in the most dramatic way possible. 

Why do you expect an answer?

Who am I to think I am in the least bit worthy to even think something to a perfectly righteous God: me, a sinner? I don’t. How could I for a moment think that somehow I deserve explanations from God for every moment in my life? I don’t. Why do I take for granted this relationship I have with God through the Holy Spirit residing within me?

I do. 

Prayer is an ultimate form of worship. If Jesus did not die for me, my prayer life wouldn’t just be nonexistent because I was lazy. It would be nonexistent because my sinful prayers would fall on deaf ears. By even contacting God, it is giving Him praise for what He did in order to redeem that broken relationship. And just like someone on the other end of a telephone line does not want to hear you make every little thing in your life convoluted to make yourself sound smarter, God does not want empty prayers. Genuine prayer comes from the depths of the living, beating, and broken heart. So don’t pray because it’s something you do - pray because it’s something you live.

I’m not worthy of this grace. I never was. And for that, I’ll praise God and rejoice. And to that, I pray amen. 

I kind of get upset whenever people treat me like I’m some sort of genius.

It’s been happening more since I’ve been home. A lot of the people who I meet down here ask me where I go to school, and whenever I say UCLA, the most often response is, “Whoooaaaa” or “Wow you’re so smart!” And when people ask where I’m working over the summer and I reply TSRI, the usual response is pretty much the same. “Whoooaaaa smarty pants!” 

I’m not going to lie. I worked my butt off to get where I am today academically. Praise God that I had parents that instilled in me a focused mindset whenever it came to school. And praise God that I have been able to find some success academically and that I’m blessed with an amazing job at my lab. But I feel like just because I have found some success, lots of people treat me as if I am at a different level. And because of that, I always feel like people are kind of keeping their distance from me, like they aren’t worthy of talking to me. And that really makes me sad. 

Whenever people tell me I’m smart, I always say, “I’m really not as smart as people think I am.” (Ask anyone I regularly hang out with.) And I’m not trying to put myself down when I say that; instead, I truly mean it. Growing up, I was placed in accelerated courses primarily by parental pressures, but I was never one of those super smart kids. Most of the people in these courses never had to study in order to do well, whereas I always seemed to study so much only to achieve so little. But because I was in these courses, lots of people at school saw me as a geek or a nerd and didn’t want to hang out with me. Not only that, but because I never did as well as the other kids in the accelerated class, I wasn’t fully accepted into that “clique” either. The people in these groups, even my friends, seemed to always look down on me. 

I’ll never forget eighth grade geometry class, where our teacher would hang our names on the wall and place a sticker underneath it for every A you got on a test. At the end of the year, my name only had one sticker beneath it. The looks some of the other students gave me are forever burned into my memory. 

Or one day in ninth grade math class. I just happened to do better on a test than a couple of my friends, and one of them remarked, “Ughh Justin did better than us. The world is ending!”

No matter how hard I worked, I was never smart enough. 

I never want to be known by others solely academically. I know what it feels like. Through my entire life I have been surrounded by such a high standard, the result of which I seemed to always be clawing upward and left behind. I know what it feels like to think you’re not good enough, especially academically. And I know what it feels like to think, “Whoa, this person is way too smart for me. We can be friends as long as we don’t talk about school stuff and I end up looking stupid…” I know, because for most of my life that was me.

In terms of natural ability, I’m pretty mediocre. People always ask me why I seem to work so hard, and the answer is because I have to. I tend to have to repeat certain concepts over and over in order to understand them, whereas others never seem to need as much time. I have come to accept that even if I do every practice problem - assigned and unassigned - in order to get some idea of what would be on a midterm or a final, I may never do as well as other people. Even though I have the confidence now knowing that if I study hard enough eventually something will click, I will probably never be the top of a class or set a curve. And that’s something - with the grace of God - I have come to peace with especially through college. 

My worth, value, and identity does not come from the job I have or the GPA I receive. I am a sinner who just as desperately needs the grace of God, and a letter on some piece of paper is never going to change that - even if the paper is a research paper for seminary. I try my best in school because I want to give God all the glory in any success I may achieve. It’s only by His providence that I have anything, from my job to my next breath. Because unlike grades, grace can never be achieved by the amount of work I put into it. 

I love talking intellectual. I love talking science. I love learning and being a geek. But that’s not me trying to sound smart. That’s just me being me. That’s a part of the not smart enough, world ending, one sticker me. 

Just who am I?

I am fully endeared and accepted in Christ. 

One of my friends said something to me the other day when we were playfully making fun of each other that really made me start thinking. We both enjoy each other’s company and are comfortable around each other, but we both exhibit that comfort around each other by joking around and saying mean things to each other. After I said something to her, she replied by saying, “That was mean! Aren’t you supposed to be like super Christian or something?”

I know she didn’t mean anything by it. But that question really got me thinking: am I truly exhibiting God’s love the best way I can to those who may not know Him? I don’t know if I am. I always find that when I’m away from my fellowship at school, where almost all of my friends are believers, that believing and following His example is so easy. But in San Diego, even though I’m getting more involved in a church here, I’m mostly surrounded by nonbelievers in both my workplace and my social life. And I love them all. I really do. But that question keeps popping up in my head. Am I only acting Christian around my church friends and forgetting about Christ among my other friends? Even though I say I love them equally, do I really if I’m acting differently around different people? 

I recently watched the “Father of Lights” movie online. One part that really stuck in my mind was when the movie director was trying to evangelize in Venice Beach and he noticed that people were being colder than usual in a normally Gospel-friendly area. Soon, he realized the reason was people parading around the big “You Are Going To Hell!!” signs and yelling scripture about sin and hell through a megaphone. The director commented that he felt what he always felt when he saw those people: “annoyed.” In all honesty, I feel so annoyed when I see those people too. Our God is a God of love and reconciliation, a God of redemption and grace. I always thought it was much more efficient evangelism by being loving towards individuals. That’s exactly what the director thought too as he approached one of the sign holders.

But then, the director commented on something that I found was so powerful. He realized he was judging them because of what they were doing because their points of view did not align. He was not showing love to these sign-holding individuals, the very people he was accusing of not showing enough love. And even though they weren’t in agreement, they were serving the same God. 

“Like it or not, these were my brothers in Christ.”

That really resonated with me. How many times have I seen these people on the UCLA campus and proceed to judge them so harshly in my mind if not outright. The director and another individual spent the rest of the day going to each of these people, getting to know them, and praying for them. Another line I found so powerful was (after the guy he was with said a prayer for one of them), “We may not agree on everything, but we’re on the same team. God bless you!”

Wow. 

God’s love is best demonstrated through the grace He shows us. Grace is such a scandalous concept, if you think about it. Think about if there were two people, a guy and a girl. The guy is head over heels over this girl, but the girl is already married to someone else. But the guy is so in love with her that he keeps pursuing her, knowing that he may not ever receive anything back from her. And even if she does reciprocate her feelings, she still is bound to that marriage. Even so, the guy says, “I don’t care how much you are bound by that marriage. I’m going to keep pursuing you, and I’m happy to spend every second of our lives together that we can.” 

But think: God is the guy in this relationship and we are the girl. But instead of being bound by marriage, we are bound by the sin of our hearts. We can never escape our sinful natures, no matter how long we are Christians or how long we are of this world. All of the terrible things we do on a daily basis and for the rest of our lives? God sees all of that and says, “Who cares? There’s no sin big enough to stop me from loving you.” He sweeps all of our sins - all of my sin - upon his Son because He must be with us. He loves us that much. 

That’s scandalous. 

Not a perfect picture, but that’s how I always imagine it. Grace is the single most undeserving thing that I possess. God is going out of His way to bring me back to Him. He’s obsessed with me. It feels so weird to write something like that - I must be out of my mind. I always think I’m too dirty for God to even care about. But God doesn’t ever need to quake in his boots when He sees my sins. They’re nothing to Him. All He sees is me and He’s willing to do anything to get to me, even hang in misery upon Calvary. And no matter what I think of myself or my sins, I have this grace inside of me. And it’s time to show that grace to everybody: those who don’t know Him, those who know of Him, and even those who know Him. And in the same way Christ laid down His life for me, so I should lay down my life to show my love. Because I am a part of something so much bigger than me. 

It’s time to get scandalous. 

2 Corinthians 5:17-21 says,

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ¹⁸ All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; ¹⁹ that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. ²¹ For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

I feel like I’ve shared my testimony more this past week than I have this past school year.

…Actually, that might not be that much of an exaggeration now that I think about it…

I’ve recently been attending a new church in San Diego, and it seems every new person I meet asks me for my testimony the moment I mention that I was saved in college. Their focus on Christ and His sovereignty in peoples’ lives is a big reason why I’m trying to get more involved in it. And it’s getting to the point where I’m starting to get tired of repeating it to every new person I meet haha. But I’m always happy to share my testimony - I really have nothing to hide. Actually, I enjoy telling people the story of how I came to know Christ. That’s why it’s a page on the top of my tumblr. God has done amazing things in my life that I love repeating to people. And by telling it, I’m praying that God would do it again. And so many people react to my testimony with praises and wonder, saying how much it’s miraculous. That is the most humbling thing ever: that God could use a life like mine to encourage my brothers and sisters. I’m so blessed to be a blessing. 

But honestly, my testimony is nothing special. I’m not downplaying what God did in my life; on the contrary, who I am today is just a testament to His amazing grace. But I feel like every testimony is a miracle.

I took a while to find Christ even though I knew about Him for a long time. I know many people like that.

That’s a miracle.

A lot of my friends, even having grew up in the church, are still to this day strong believers.

That’s a miracle.

Some of my friends fell away from the church but was drawn back somehow.

That’s a miracle.

Some of my best friends learned of and accepted Christ within this past year.

That’s a miracle.

God can use anybody and any story, and I think that is just a testament to how amazing and powerful He is. And not just that, He could use somebody’s life perfectly. I know with my testimony, God placed every little thing in my life perfectly for me to find Him that weekend at Fall Retreat. Looking back, it’s so amazing seeing how every detail led up to that moment. Even the worst times when I could not see God at all, He used. And I feel that’s the same for every testimony. Our God is not a God who makes mistakes. 

In the end, it’s not about whose story is better or more amazing. Someone who believed after he was miraculously cured from cancer is the same as someone who rediscovered Christ after he fell away from the church. We didn’t cause our testimonies - God did. God changed our hearts to become after His.

That God would reach down and even consider bringing a filthy person like me to Him? I think that’s by far the most amazing miracle.

Ephesians 2:4-9 says,

⁴ But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, ⁵ even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— ⁶ and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, ⁷ so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. ⁸ For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, ⁹  not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

Why are words so powerful? 

Warning: Very, very long

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In a span of 10 hours, two different people have told me to stop saying “sorry” so much. There’s no reason to apologize for something so small so many times, I’ve been told. Or that I don’t need to apologize because I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve been a little on edge lately in terms of my thoughts, so that may have contributed to it. But I think the deeper reason for me apologizing so much is my own insecurities. As I’ve written about several times, I never had a lot of friends growing up until I moved. And even now in college, even though I know a lot of people, I only consider some of them friends. I don’t think these individuals could ever comprehend how much they mean to me. God has blessed me, poured out His blessing onto my life. Not having any friends, really, growing up has taught me to appreciate them more. But I think it’s also made me constantly scared and insecure that I will lose them. 

See, my “concept” at school - if that’s what you want to call it - is the jokester who gets made fun of. In the past, I used to make fun of myself on purpose to get laughs. I purposefully called myself moron and people enjoyed it, so I suppose it worked. But who got to know the real me? Nobody. So I was miserable. Now, it’s different. I’m not sure exactly how to explain it besides the fact that I feel comfortable being made fun of now whereas in the past I hated it. I don’t try to act stupid for people to make fun of me; sometimes, it just happens. Maybe it’s cause I’m sort of a showman and over react all of my emotions. Who knows. For example, this past weekend at Crossroads, I had just met two people from Epic Movement from UC Irvine. A couple of minutes later, after barely talking, they somehow started teasing me. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. But I’m thankful people feel comfortable enough around me to feel like they have to freedom to make fun of it. It’s better me than somebody else who may not want to be made fun of. At least I have experience. 

But as the jokester, I’m always doing stupid or weird things. And sometimes people may get the wrong idea. Lots of people have in the past. I don’t usually think before I do something. I don’t usually analyze what I’m going to say before I say it. So inevitably I’ve hurt people with what I’ve said before. So whenever I remember instances of misunderstandings with my friends, I feel so much regret and guilt. Even if in their eyes it may not seem like a lot, it’s a big deal in my eyes. I used to get in fights in my younger years, but I really cannot stand conflict, especially between me and one of my friends. So I constantly apologize. I’m saying, “Sorry,” because I feel so stupid. If I really do care about these individuals as much as I write about and as much as I emote about, why didn’t I treat them better? Even if something wasn’t entirely my fault, why couldn’t I have protected their hearts more? I’m saying, “Sorry,” because they probably don’t know how much they mean to me and because I’m so scared I’m going to be that pathetic little boy in middle school again who drove everybody close to him away. I don’t think anybody understands how terrified of loneliness I am, despite my happy-go-lucky personality most of the time. 

Grace is a new concept for me. Not a lot of people in my high school, up until my first year in college, really had any concept of grace. There were always grudges; there was always bitterness. Knowing I have a community within my group of friends and within Christ that will forgive me for anything that I may or may not do…. it’s just that much more reason to feel so blessed. And thoughts of being undeserving of such a blessing are always in the back of my mind. So maybe I’m just saying, “Sorry,” because I don’t feel worthy of the grace I’m being shown. Even if they say they forgive me, I think I keep apologizing because I have a hard time forgiving myself. 

It doesn’t make much sense, I suppose, because I’m founded in Christ as my identity and I find my worth in Him. But I can’t stand causing other people hurt. So I’m going to keep saying sorry until I forgive myself or my throat gives out. That’s just how it is. 

Sorry.

Redeeming Grace
- Lyrics by Justin Shyu

I’m alive ‘cause You have died
Never lonely ‘cause You’re by my side
Still I lie, awake, with selfish pride
Though illuminated
You’ve been steering me through
Even when I put You number 2
I don’t deserve it, I wonder if redemption’s really
Too good to be true 

(‘Cause) A drop of Your love is greater than the oceans
A breath of Your word gives me life
The sound of Your voice is calling me closer
To You, back to You 

[Chorus]
My God, You are my God
By Your light You make the day more clear
And every moment, every second I will sing to You
For the blessings that I do not deserve
My God, You are my God
By Your blood You make my life anew
Inside so broken and bruised
So unworthy of You
Until the day I see Your face
I will have faith, redeeming Grace 

You’ve been steering me through
Even when I put You number 2
I don’t deserve it, I wonder if redemption’s really
Too good to be true 

[Chorus]
My God, You are my God
By Your light You make the day more clear
And every moment, every second I will sing to You
For the blessings that I do not deserve
My God, You are my God
By Your blood You make my life anew
Inside so broken and bruised
So unworthy of You
Until the day I see Your face
I will have faith, redeeming Grace 

A drop of Your love is greater than the oceans
A breath of Your word gives me life
The sound of Your voice is calling me closer
To You, back to You 

I live, ‘cause Christ has died!
Jesus Lord of Heaven’s on my side!
And every moment, every second I will send You praise
For the life that you have given me
Now shine, Your light will shine!
Once again the Son of Man will rise!
I’ll hold onto what’s true
‘Cause that’s all I can do
Until the day I see Your face
I will have faith, redeeming Grace 

Now as I live, Lord take my place
My gracious God, redeeming Grace

Felt so good to write an entire song again instead of just snippets. Praise God! :)

I find that music has really been a lifesaver for me recently.

Currently, I’m studying for the DAT (Dental Admissions Test) and I’ve kind of been stressing out cause my scores on practice tests have been flatlined for a while. As a result, I’ve been extremely tired and sleepy. But today, my score went up! It was such a relief. In the process, I’ve learned that I need to trust God and His plan for me. It’s hard, but I need to rely on Him more and not my own power. I’m learning to let go of myself and grab hold of God. He will give me comfort and strength. Matthew 11:28 and 2 Corinthians 1 have been on my heart. I can only pray that I will do well and prepare the best I can. God doesn’t always give us what we want, but He does always give us what we need. 

I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope I need You 
Cause I can’t do this alone

I’m weak and humbled, at Your feet. Can I hold your hand in this tumultuous time in my life?