AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Anonymous asked: You are a liar. You post things about purity, Christianity and respecting women. You judge people and look down on others who do not make the same choices as you. Yet, you forget your past and how impure you were. You pushed people to make choices and decisions they weren't comfortable with. You looked down on some of your closest friend's faiths. I wish you wouldn't post so many Christian things on facebook. It hurts and alienates.
And I was trying to get work done tonight too. Now I probably won’t be able to focus for the next week.
Well Anonymous. I don’t know if you will ever read this response I’m going to give. And even if you do, I don’t know if you will take it seriously at all since I’ve obviously hurt you in some way. But since we are Facebook friends apparently, I will say this, and it’s going to sound stupid and corny but bear with me. I’m honestly not Facebook friends with people I don’t care about. My Facebook says I have 900 friends (wow haha). I care about all 900. I want to keep up these relationships that I’ve made over so many years. And that must include you, since I’m guessing I know you personally. Since you’re anonymous, I cannot say whether or not we have drama in our past. But I care about you. Even not knowing who you are, even thinking about who this possibly could be, even imagining you as the person I most dislike in this world, I can’t bring myself to say I don’t care about you. I do care about you. I do care about how I affect the people I care about. I think it can be seen that I care because I’m so hurt right now by this message. I guess that was your intention, but I’m hurt for another reason than you may have planned. I’m hurt because it seems that I hurt you.
I do not deny anything you accuse me of being. I am a liar. I am judgmental. I am pushy. I do look down on people. I am a hypocrite. I will be the first to admit all of that. I will be the first to admit that I’m a pretty terrible person. I say that with completely sincerity and honesty. I’ve been learning more and more about my own character this past quarter, and the more I find out the less I like. I don’t have very high self-esteem even though I’m always cracking jokes and laughing. I get self-conscious very easily. I’m not saying this to make people feel bad for me; I’m saying this because it’s true. And all the things you accuse me of are true. They all are. I’ve never claimed to be perfect or to have it all together. I have my own baggage too. I’m sorry if I ever came across as someone who thought of himself higher than everybody else. The truth is I think I’m a terrible person. And the truth is I am a terrible person.
I cannot honestly say I never judge people who do not make the same choices as me. I judge people a lot, especially because I tend to hold people on the same standard I hold for myself. And because I’m a perfectionist, that’s unfair to both him/her and me. And I will continue judging people my entire life because that’s just my human nature, even if I don’t want to and try not to. And I’m so sorry that it’s gotten to the point where you think I do it on purpose or don’t even try not to. I try really hard not to judge people, to accept everybody where they are, to forgive when somebody makes a mistake, to love unconditionally. But the honest truth is that I can’t. I’m only human. I’m going to judge people. Please believe me when I say I try my hardest to bring humility in everything I do. But I know effort is not enough. People other than you have also told me they have experienced me as seeming arrogant or high-and-mighty, especially when it came to leadership in Epic Movement. That’s why I’m being honest. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry that’s how you’ve experienced me. I’m so sorry. But all I can say is that this will only motivate me more to become more Christ-like. I can only tell you that I will approach everything the same with Christ did, never judging and accepting everybody.
When it comes to my past, there is a link on my blog titled “My Testimony.” I encourage you to read it - it’s a story of how I came to know Christ. I will be the first to admit that I was/am impure in my past. If you haven’t heard it before, I’ll tell you now: I came into college looking to party, drink, and have a bunch of sex. And pretty much, I achieved all of that in my first year of college even though I was claiming to be a Christian all the while. I pretty much used my ex-girlfriend to fulfill my physical desires. But there’s more: I dated three other girls in high school, but I definitely played with the feelings of at least three more because it made me feel cool and special. And there’s even more. My two best friends in middle school betrayed me. I never had many friends growing up because my personality ostracized me. I was always trying to be somebody who I wasn’t. I used self-deprecating humor to make people laugh. I didn’t get along with my family. I hated myself. I had suicide in my thoughts all the time. Anonymous, I don’t know how well we know each other in real life, but look at all this. This is me. This is my past. I haven’t forgotten a minute of it. My past is what shaped me into the person I am today. It’s part of the reason I’m still so self-conscious today and why I’m always trying to earn friendships with people. You’re right though, I don’t want to remember any of this. I even deny some of it at times. I’m so ashamed of it. I don’t want people to see who I used to be because I’m scared they will leave me for it. Even today. But this is my past. I accept it, the good and the bad. I haven’t forgotten a single beer I’ve had or shot that I’ve taken. I haven’t forgotten any of the sexually immoral times I was alone with my ex. I haven’t forgotten any of the girls I dated and the girls whose feelings I’ve toyed with. If I could somehow reach out to Jenni, Krystal, Susanna, Lauren, Lucia, Deborah, Samantha, Aprajita and say I’m so, so, so, so sorry, I would. If I could talk to Jonathan and Alan again and tell them how much I wish we could restart our friendships, I would. I’m so sorry for what I did in my past. And I’m not going to be able to change it. I can regret all I want, but all I can do is learn and move forward. And I’m moving forward with the understanding that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and for my past mistakes. He’s taking me in with all of my baggage. So even though I have hope in neither myself nor my sinful nature, I have hope in Christ.
But even after I came to Christ, there were instances (as you mention) where I pushed people to make decisions they weren’t comfortable with. I remember one time during my first year in college one of my dear friends was having a tough time in his life and he was venting through tumblr. And after daily vents from him, I got frustrated and wrote a HUGE post on my tumblr attacking and criticizing him about how he should handle his problems. Publically, mind you. So yes, you’re right. And even now, I want people to come to know Christ’s love and God’s affection for them. And even now, I tell people they should do something. A lot of times, I think I know what’s best for someone and try to direct him or her in some direction. I’m sorry if this is how I come off. I really am. But look, some of my best friends are not Christian. Actually, I’d say a majority of my friends are not Christian. Both of my roommates aren’t Christian. My entire family is not Christian. Just because they don’t have the same beliefs as me doesn’t mean I still don’t care and love them. Do I want them to know Jesus? More than anything. If I had a magical switch that could cause them all to willingly accept Christ into their lives, would I flip it? In a heartbeat. I’m sorry for this selfishness of mine. But I accept the fact that I cannot change peoples’ hearts. Only God can. And I accept the fact that I did used to argue with people, telling them they needed to be Christian or they were stupid (in more vulgar terms). It’s true. And I’m sorry for this. All I can say is that I will be more mindful when sharing about my faith and my beliefs to other people. I will never intentionally try to force my faith upon somebody. That’s not that faith is about. My pushing will, from now on, end at sharing and prayer. I’m sorry for being somebody who would try to force people into doing or believing certain things. I go about it the wrong way. Please believe me when I say it’s because I wholeheartedly love and care for them.
I’ve apologized countless times in this post already. Here’s another one: Sorry, but I will not apologize for posting Christian things on my Facebook. Christ has had such an impact on my life that I cannot help but shout it to the world. Jesus Christ was the first person to ever accept me after already knowing all the terrible things I’ve ever done and ever will do. I’m sorry that you feel alienated and hurt by it. That was never my intention. All the bible verses I post. All the Christian commentary and websites. All the funny Christian-related memes that I post. None of them were posted to demean you or what you believe in. I’m an outspoken Christian. I’m an evangelical Christian. I wear my faith on my sleeve. And that’s not to say that I think I’m all that when I proclaim Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. On the contrary, I’m proclaiming how lost I am without Him. And I’m never posting these things to demean anybody. I’m posting them because I believe in Him and I have faith in Him. Even my parents have asked me not to post so many Christian things on my Facebook because they’re scared people are going to not like me. No offense, but if I’m not listening to my parents about this, I’m not going to stop because you asked me. I’m sorry you don’t like it. Please don’t think I’m ever trying to tell you to do anything. I’m only rejoicing in the hope I have found in my God of comfort.
I hope this clears up some misunderstandings, Anonymous. I’m really sorry that I hurt you or that you have experience me in this way, and I hope we will be able to change that. I’m pretty sure you’ll think this entire post is BS, just based off your message to me, but it really did come from the heart. Please message me and complain as many times as you’d like. I would be so happy if you did. I want to make this right because I care about you. I will take all the scrutiny in the world if it means we can work this out. Honestly. I’m sorry again, and I hope you can forgive me. Even if it means nothing to you, I pray that you have a wonderful and blessed rest of your three-day weekend. I’m praying for you. I love and care for you. But more importantly, Jesus loves you! :)
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Can’t sleep again. Maybe this is a bigger problem than I thought it was…
Side note: I need to make a list of all the books I need to read at some point or another. Walking through Ackerman’s book store downstairs made me realize how long it’s been since I’ve really been moved by a novel.
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Francis and I were tabling today when a man approached us and asked if he could pray for us! He said, “You guys are always here with this sign that says ‘can we pray for you?’, but I bet no one ever asks if they can pray for you. So can I pray for you guys?” He prayed for AACF’s ministry and for UCLA, and he thanked God for His grace and his goodness.
Afterwards, we introduced ourselves, and he told us his name was Dr. (that’s all I caught) Robert N-something (according to Francis). We made small talk, and he told us a bit about the Christian ministries at UCLA when he was here in the 80s and mentioned how he wasn’t even Christian when he came here as an undergraduate. I asked how he became Christian; he laughed and said it was a long story, but it was the beginning of our tabling hour, we had the time, and he shared anyway. It was such an amazing blessing, and I really want to share so that whoever reads my Tumblr can be equally blessed. This is his testimony in a nutshell (some parts might be off because I don’t remember it exactly, but I hope you guys get the general gist!):
He was born in South Africa and raised during the time when the institution of apartheid was still in place. His mom was American and raised him to be Christian. Under the apartheid, all the schools were segregated, and he went to a university of all black students called Fordham University (I think). It had a dual-degree program where a student could attend Fordham for two years, and then go to UCLA and finish the last two years. So he did the program and came to America, to UCLA for his third year. But when he came here, he already had a wife and three kids who he left back in South Africa. He had been a political activist in South Africa, and because of this, his family was constantly being persecuted and getting death threats… and when he was attending UCLA, he found out that his wife had been raped and killed along with their three kids, ages 7, 5, and a few months old.
After that happened, he became extremely angry and bitter at the world and at God. He hated Christians, and he would mock and ridicule people who were flyering for their fellowships and ministries on Bruinwalk. He yelled that Christians were all talk and no action, that they didn’t actually love people, that they just wanted to stay in their little comfortable bubbles… hypocrites. He eventually converted to Islam and became a Muslim. He finished his two years here, went back to South Africa, and decided to pursue a master’s degree, so he applied for UCLA again. He didn’t expect to get in, but he did, and he came back to LA. He was walking up Bruinwalk one day, bitter at the world, when a guy from GOC came up to him, tried to talk to him, and tried to give him a hug. He punched the guy from GOC in the face and broke his jaw. A girl standing nearby almost called UCPD, but the guy from GOC stopped her, and Robert just walked away. Another day, Robert was walking up Bruinwalk, and the same guy from GOC came up to him and tried to talk to him again. Robert was super irritated and asked the guy why he was always bothering him, but more importantly, why didn’t the guy stay away even though Robert had broken his jaw? The guy’s name was Charles (and his last name was P-something Italian, and Robert said he would never forget that name), and he told Robert that he wanted to love him, not because he could, but because God gave him the strength to.
Robert still thought Christians were hypocrites, fools, liars, so he decided that every day he would lean on one of the lamposts on Bruinwalk and just observe all the Christian ministries tabling, trying to look for their mistakes. In the 80s, the big fellowships were IV, GOC, a Korean one, and one called Bruins for Christ (or something like that). Robert saw that Charles was always at the GOC table, and he always had a smile on. Charles was a faithful witness to Christ, and he pursued Robert passionately. Robert told us that non-Christians are always looking for Christians to step out of line, to trip up, so that they would have an excuse to reject Christianity. But Charles was a good witness, and Robert saw that. I’m reminded of a passage we studied in small group:
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” — 1 Peter 2:9-12
One day, Robert was walking up Bruinwalk and realized no one wanted to talk to him because he always had a scowl on his face because he was always mad at the world, and he didn’t want that anymore. So he walked up to the GOC table and asked Charles if becoming Christian would take his anger, pain, and bitterness away. Charles told him that it would, and so Robert decided that if what Charles said was true, then he wanted to become Christian. That day, he accepted the Gospel and chose to believe in Christ, and he said that immediately, he felt his heart being changed. He felt the ugliness and the anger and bitterness being taken away, and he said he was transformed into a new person.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17
Robert also told us a lot about how UCLA used to be so different in terms of all the different campus ministries. All the fellowships used to be unified, and the presence of God was undeniable at UCLA. He told us about this one prayer canopy movement where the lawns by Janss Steps were covered with tents, and people were curious about what was going on. Yes, they came for free food, but more importantly, they came because they were curious to find out what could possibly make people so unified and so passionate. UCLA used to be “an oasis for Christians,” according to Robert. He said that there would be a few students getting saved every day, and the MSA (Muslim Student Association) would get angry at the Christian fellowships for converting their members. He said that Christians would get attacked by the MSA all the time — once, some of them jumped him, and he ended up hospitalized in Ronald Reagan for four months.
One thing Robert said that really stood out to me was that when he first came to UCLA, he was confused by Christians, because there were white Christian groups, Asian Christian groups, black Christian groups… and “that wasn’t what [his] momma told [him]” about how Christians were supposed to be. (Francis and I both felt really convicted by this. :x)
Robert said that it really breaks his heart to come back to UCLA (he works in New York now) and see how disunified all the Christian groups are. He talked about how UCLA used to be an oasis for Christians — can you imagine that? He encouraged us to come together as a body of Christ, and only then will the campus see and feel God’s presence. He talked about capturing the campus for Christ, and then moving on to capturing other campuses, to capturing LA, to even greater things. But we can’t do that if we’re a divided body, if we are disunified over things like culture, details of tradition, and doctrinal minutia unrelated to the Gospel.
This is definitely something that has been on my mind lately — how legalism/fundamentalism takes away from loving other Christians, how all these minor things make us lose appreciation for how other brothers and sisters worship God. Everything comes down to the Gospel, and the Gospel alone. We are under the same God, saved by the same Christ, graced by the same Gospel.
Should it not break our hearts more that the body of Christ is so divided and broken? If the presence of God would be more powerfully felt on this campus if we knew we were the parts of the same body and acted accordingly, how much more curious could we make unbelievers? How much more would we be able to encourage each other, edify each other, build each other up? How much more love? How much more glory to God?
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Recently, I’ve been really blessed to be able to share my thoughts on this with a few brothers and sisters in different fellowships. I had dinner with Naree tonight, and it was such an amazing conversation! We talked about how frustrating it was that each fellowship stays in its own bubble and about how important it is to build a network of brothers and sisters and to expose ourselves to how fellow believers worship. God desires us to draw closer to Him by drawing closer to each other. The Word warns us against divisions in the church and the body. AACF, GOC, CCM, KCM, and all the other acronyms/ministries, we’re all the same. It really is heartbreaking that our sinful natures divide the body of Christ, and it should really convict me that I’m complacent in this — not even Christian bubble, not even Asian Christian bubble — but this AACF bubble.
In light of all this, Naree mentioned how KCM and CCM are planning a freshmen joint praise night tenth week to point everything back to the cross in the midst of finals studying craziness, and she invited us to join! I’m pretty excited about it, and I’ll bring it up at class prayer meeting on Sunday…
“I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment. For it has been reported to me by Chloe’s people that there is quarreling among you, my brothers. What I mean is that each one of you says, ‘I follow Paul,’ or ‘I follow Apollos,’ or ‘I follow Cephas,’ or ‘I follow Christ.’ Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?… For Christ did not send me to baptize but to preach the gospel…” — 1 Corinthians 1:10-17
“…but brother goes to law against a brother, and that before unbelievers? To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you.” — 1 Corinthians 6:6-7
“Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again…” — 1 Peter 1:22-23
What the crazy blessed! God’s sovereignty, man, blows my mind every day.
Please, please, please read this if you are a part of a campus ministry. This has been on my heart for a long time too.
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Growing up, I never had that many friends. When I moved and made friends, I vowed to myself I would never lose any of them. My entire life since then I’ve been doing things to protect these friendships, hoping that I could do enough to show a fraction of what they mean to me. I never thought that I was worth their time or effort.
Why do I have such a heavy feeling in my chest now after seeing other people cherish the friendship they have with me?
I’m seriously so blessed.
